I’ve been stressing myself the fuck out. The tourist haven of a restaurant that I work at broke its record in sales this month, meaning we’ve been busier than ever - meaning I’ve been working my ass off trying to alleviate the assiduous line of customers that remains determinately ceaseless. The pressure’s on to find a new place to live, being that I’ve got to be out of my current apartment by the 1st of August (or sooner, since I’m not even on the lease). One of my roommates is reluctantly moving back home to Orange County (I’ll miss you, Kailey), and my other roommate was supposed to find a place with me but things got messy so that’s not working out. I’ve been fucking craigslist in the ass trying to find a place, to no avail. I’m checking a few apartments out tomorrow, but nothing looks promising - let alone affordable. Oh, and then there’s the fact that without my computer I’m literally impossible to get ahold of; thank God for social networking sites or I’d be a ghost.
On top of all that, I’m dealing with my first ever real relationship, and I already want out. I’m a commitment-phobe. I feel trapped. I keep distancing myself and he’s finally calling me out on it. We’ve barely been together for two months and I find myself wanting to disappear completely; I’m no good at being with someone but I have a feeling I’m even worse at breaking up with them. I’m destructively impulsive; I made the decision to jump into a relationship too quickly because I liked the thought of him more than I actually like him. But then I have these inexorable thoughts embedded in the back of my mind that maybe I’m just confused or I’m deliberately psyching myself out because I always push away the idea that someone could love me, or vice-versa. Maybe I am incapable of loving someone, or even feeling love… That kind of love, at least. My mind is just in a million places at once and I’ve been losing sleep over it.
First world problems, eh. What can ya do?